unrecognizable,

   the stairs were twisted,

          rising, into the dark

    …another disease to add to the list

only this one was of a social nature

     but still had metastasized,

    i cut it from my side…

like the flower i gave you,

       it was your birthday…

    i rode my bike to your work

and stole a tulip from the park on the way,

         it bled as i raced to you…

      …with booze on my breath i asked for your hand,

                     we both knew better,

      it is us lonely ones who give ourselves away

                               so easily…

                        i still dream about this time

                  the smell of your clothes,

                     the love you gave so willingly…

              the days we drank and played cards

                       sitting on the ground,

                     smoking cigarettes 

              because we knew we’d never die…

-

a promise i made,

 but didn't keep

  ...she looked at me

discomforted by my words...

    we're passed this point; you and I...

         remember when I took your hand,

              and lead you,

           while blindfolded

         to the edge;

     this is when I left you...

                    ...stop looking at me like that,

                 are you uncomfortable

           with the sight of our skin touching...

             don't hide beneath the sheets,

                 come, look out the window

             a southern breeze approaches

warm and sick with sea salt

         lick your lips and you can taste it          

please walk with me down by the bridge...

         …but be quite now,

               it's my lie to tell,

                   so it's mine to keep...

     …just close your eyes,

we'll pretend i still have your trust,

        come; take my hand...

            we'll go to the edge

                     together this time,

             i won't let go...

                just breath

                 yes;

         i know it's scary

                     but be quite,

i'de like to save this moment... 

-

 this is not real,

  familiar as it feels…

        …this is not the same,

          i know we recognize each other

         but we are strangers…

  i too, have come here for years

       only experienced it separately…

  …i see the sadness you feel,

         it’s similar to my own…

            …don’t be ashamed,

it’s okay,

we can struggle with our humanity together…

  …you seem to know this place

better than me,

only i’m not disciplined like you…

…i remember you describing the pain as                  unforgivable…

    …sometimes our identities are conflicted

  often preoccupied by generations of guilt…

         discouraged, deflated,

you isolate,

 patiently waiting

  to be understood…     

-

unable to sit in stillness

  the distractions were piercing

forcibly unescapable

dispirited by the tenderness shown to others

 and not me

     but gratefully to be loved in winter

  with the loneliness of endless rains

       and emptiness of deep oceans

  my inadequacies

        need not be forgiven

        they are part of me

-

the last time

it was a bit different

  we were strangers

 and had less to lose

i remember the moment

  everything changed

things were better then

   we were younger,

 and always readying

our relentless restlessness

 for the moment our brilliance

would be discovered